It's interesting when you go through grief, you really don't know what your doing and you question yourself a lot.  There were a lot of decisions that we had to make once we realized Karis had passed.  First we had to decide when to induce labor.  We didn't want to rush into it, but we didn't want to wait too long.  We decided to induce on Monday, May 19th.  Then we had to decide a funeral home, where to bury her, what kind of service to have, who to invite, what the service should look like, choosing a casket, when the burial should be, etc.  Thankfully we have a family that took a lot of that off our plate.  But what happens is you start to make decisions and think of other people.  You try to make everyone happy, and you try to still do the things you want done.  My people-pleasing is off the charts and it was tested greatly during this time.  You simply cannot hold onto both.  However, once the decision has been made, I immediately start to second guess.  Did we make the right choice?  If we wait to induce until Monday, is that too long?  Will she be more decayed inside of me if we wait a week?  But if induce in a day, there's no way I'm emotionally ready.  Is it smart that we chose to bury her 2 hours away?  It's with Kory's grandparents, so that makes me feel better.  Will everyone be ok driving that far?  Will I be ok driving that far if I want to see her?  For the service we only invited immediate family, will my friends be hurt I didn't invite them?  Others asked if they could come- should we of had it for more people?  All these questions by themselves are wearing and tiring.  But on top of the emotions of grief it was overwhelming.

The Lord has been teaching me that my people-pleasing has got to go.  This month my learning curve has gone way up as I've been in the fire of learning I can't people please if I want to survive this. It's been a struggle, but he is teaching me to keep my eyes on him.  I have had to be honest with others and tell them what I need.  To accept their help.  This is a journey I want to share with others, but I need to make sure I'm sharing it with the Lord first and foremost, and that's what matters most.  Am I communicating with him?  Am I daily calling on him for help? 

I'm realizing the weight you carry when someone you love has been lost.  You start to carry the weight of honoring their life well.  You want to do it perfectly.  You want to give them the respect they deserve.  You start to feel the pressure.  Is this the right way?  Is this the most honoring way?  Even though they aren't here to experience, you still feel the pressure. 

I realize how nervous I am for labor, delivery and her funeral service.  If I'm really honest with myself, I'm scared.  I'm not sure what to expect. I'm not sure what emotions will emerge.  I'm not sure if I can physically or emotionally walk forward and have the strength to get through it.  But I have to walk anyways.  I know he is with us, I pray he is in every detail.

"Garden"- Need to Breathe 

"Be hopeful in joy, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:12