Grief

Grief is hard.  It's exhausting.  I want to sit down with each of my family members and friends and hash out everything that I'm feeling, thinking and processing.  And I feel like each family member and friend wants to sit down with me, because they want to know how I'm doing.  It would be hard to have a friend going through something hard and not be able to talk to them or see them, I get that.  But I also have understood my limitations during this week.  I don't have the emotional capacity to continue to hash through my thoughts and feelings, it's so tiring. 

It's also been weird for me how it will come in waves and hit me at the most unexpected times.  I can see my brother, or closest friend and I won't have any tears to cry but then a stranger will ask me when I'm due and I'm fighting back tears.  I want to be able to cry with every person I'm close too, but that's impossible and would literally wear me out.  Avery is definitely aware that mommy and daddy aren't their usual, light hearted selves.   I've often wondered how she is processing all of this as a 1 and a half year old.  When she sees mommy crying she either comes and gives me a hug or she brings me a kleenex, she is precious.

One thing I've always known about myself is that I'm a people-pleaser.  I know this attribute is not honoring to God so I try daily to train my mind to think differently, but it is a constant struggle.  It's been interesting because in grief you cannot grieve well and hold onto people-pleasing at the same time.  One will fall.  Either you will spend your time continuing to do what will make others feel better.  Or you will have to think about what really is best for myself in this moment, no matter how that is going to make someone else feel.  I've learned that if I want to stay healthy, I have to drop people-pleasing.  When the bottom falls out, you have to think about your own needs before someone else's or you will crumble.  It's been good for me to be forced to drop people-pleasing in this season of life.  I'm so appreciative to my friends and family that have encouraged me to drop this and want me to do what is best for myself and family during this time.  That's a breath of fresh air.