Monday, May 5, 2014

Hope and Grief

Today is Monday, back to the "real" world.  It doesn't feel that way fully for us because we have so many family and friends picking up the tasks of daily life to give us some time and space so we don't  become overwhelmed. 

One of the most consistent themes that keeps coming up in the conversations I have with Kory is the difficulty of balancing grief with hope.  Do we "give in" to what science is telling us that our baby girl will not live past an hour, or do we believe that God can and will do a miracle and choose to hope that he will.  Choosing the first means to grieve our "coming" loss.  To be sad because we know what our future holds.  To choose the second is to hold on that she is alive now and we will trust that God is the one who has the final say, not science, and she could live for years if that's what he chooses.  To choose the first means that if she doesn't survive past an hour then we will not be that let down, because all along we knew and were prepared.  To choose the second is to walk forward knowing what "could" happen, but believing anything can happen.  It's putting your heart out there, believing a miracle is possible and perhaps being more heartbroken in the end.  When we read the New Testament Jesus and his disciples doing miracles is rampant, so why not believe that is normal for God to do a miracle and not such a radical idea.  But I just don't want to get my heart set on something that he may not do.  Because what then?  What will the wrestle be if God does not come through and heal her? 

We also struggle with how to pray.  Do we pray bold prayers and claim healing over her life, and expect God to heal her because of the faith we have? But what if he doesn't?  Would it be because we didn't not have enough faith?  Or do we pray and ask God for a miracle, knowing that chances aren't likely that will happen?  Or does that defeat the purpose, because when we ask we need to ask in faith?  Do we pray what we want?  Is that selfish?  Is it ok to pray selfish prayers?  All these questions have been asked and wrestled with these past few days.

As Kory & I  talked tonight once everyone had left, we realized there was really only one way to look at it.  We have to choose hope.  Yes, it is probably the harder path because it could lead to more pain, but really, it's the only path.  We hope that she is healed.  We hope we have one more day.  We hope we go full term. We hope we can hold her and she's breathing.  We hope she outlives and hour.  We have to hope.  It's worth it and she's worth it.  And if God doesn't heal her?  He is still God and we are not.  But that's not the bridge we have to cross tonight, because tonight her little heart is beating inside of me and that's a reason to hope.

No comments:

Post a Comment