Not For A Moment

Kory and I were talking in the car today about how crazy it is that a little over 2 weeks ago we had no idea this would be our reality right now.  How fast life changes.  How quickly I've even moved in and out from deep grief, to moments of joy.  I will be crying and then an hour later laughing at someone Avery did or Kory said.  It feels like I'm out at sea, moving in and out of the different waves of emotion that come over me.  It feels weird to have joyful moments this week in such hardship, but I take them as little gifts from God. 

We were remembering the night before the ultrasound when we found out her heart had stopped beating.  We prayed that night before falling asleep together and I remember we paused before prayer and thought, how do we pray?  You come to this point after wrestling where you don't even know what is best anymore.  We obviously wanted her to be healed, but what does healing mean?  We want her healed and to be with with us.  Or do we just pray she lives no matter what condition comes with her as long as she is alive and with us?  Is that selfish?  What if it would truly be best for Karis to be fully healed in heaven?  There is so much unknown it is over our heads.

I remember my prayer changing that night.  For the first time I didn't pray "God, this is what I want_________, please do that and meet that need.  Thank you, Amen."  Instead I prayed, "God I don't even know what is best in this situation, but you do, so do that please.  I trust you way more than I trust myself and my own needs."  I prayed his will be done that night, and for the first time I felt more comfortable with praying his will than praying my own will to be done.

I really did trust God more than I trusted my own control or my own wants.  I didn't know if my own wants were really the best thing.  I was and am so glad God is in control.  However, he chose to take her home with him, as we found out the next day.  I did not want that.  I wanted anything but that.  Should I of prayed for my own will to be done?  I felt so confused.  I trusted him to be in control, but then with I felt like he made the wrong choice.  Why did I feel that way?  Because his way meant hurt and pain.  And if I'm honest with myself I spend a lot of time trying to avoid hurt and pain in my life, at all costs.  But deep down, as I push past the hurt and the pain, I can find a space where I do trust he knows best.  Hurt and pain don't stop him from doing what is best.

He knows what's best for her, so much more than I do.  He knows Karis.  I haven't got to meet her yet.  He formed her, created her. I carried her.  He gave her a purpose, I simply named her.  Yes, I love her, but he died for her.  He is so much more intimately connected to her, why do I question his way?  He could of saved her from suffering on this earth.  He knew that she didn't need to breathe this air.  He knew that it was time for her to be home. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."  Proverbs 3:5-6

And once I trust him to do what's best for us and for Karis, will I trust him to be with us?  He promises that he will never leave us. "Do not be afraid.  The Lord will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6

He will not leave us, not for a moment.
"Not For A Moment"- Meredith Andrews