Sisters

Today I've spent a lot of time with Avery girl.  She is so great.  Her little curls and ponytail bobbed up and down as we walked. She pointed and got so excited at the little flowers along the road.  We threw sand in the lake about a hundred times and then "rinsey rinsey" our hands in the water.  She has helped me cope so much and she doesn't even know it.  I'm thankful she is young enough that a lot of this grief hasn't affected her a ton.  She did know that mommy had a baby in her belly, as she would often give Karis kisses, try to share her food and milk with my tummy, and point to my belly and say "baby."  Before I went into labor and delivery I tried to explain to Avery what was going to happen and told her she could say goodbye baby Karis.  She bent down, kissed my belly, waved, said "bye bye," and ran off to play.  Along the way, we've tried to tell Avery everything that's going on and explain it to her even though she may not understand all our words.

There was one moment in the hospital after Karis was born and we were getting family pictures of the 4 of us.  I was holding Karis and Kory was holding Avery.  Avery looked down at the bundle I was holding and said "Baby!  Baby!"  It took me off guard.  I immediately felt like she knew everything that was going on.  That this was her sister and she was not crying and alive like she should have been.  Avery seemed confused why we weren't showing her this baby and letting her tickle her toes.  It overwhelmed me with sadness.  I grieved for Avery.  My heart hurt for her, and the sister she lost.  She loves babies so much and is such a helper with all our friends' babies.  She was going to be the best big sister.  I was sad she and Karis would never get to have that sister bond, as they were only going to be 2 years apart.  Kory reminded me that she didn't know as much as it seemed.  She is used to seeing bundles in blankets and knowing that means baby, but didn't think she understood that it was her sister.  That helped.  Regardless, it's hard.  But it's easier knowing that Avery has been somewhat protected from the hurt because she is younger.

As we celebrate her life tomorrow at her service, I doubt Avery will really know what's going on.  But I want her to be there.  I want someday to tell her that she was there.  And I know she would want to be there, because that's what big sisters do for their little sisters.  And even though Avery would rather be tickling her wiggly toes, and bringing her warm blanky to snuggle, she will kiss her casket and wave and say "bye bye."  But either way, she is such a good big sister, and we are so proud of her.