Friday, May 16, 2014

I Will Carry You

It feels like a month ago since we found out her heart stopped beating, but it's only been two days.  I think it feels so long because I've had as many thoughts and emotions as most people have in one month crammed into two days.

It was weird that she was gone but I was still pregnant.  It felt like my body should correspond to the news we'd just heard.  But it looked and felt exactly the same.  Because I didn't feel a lot of movement from her when she was with us, my physical condition didn't change much after we knew she had passed.  Every time I went out in public people treated me as if I was pregnant, asked about my due date and what gender.  I was constantly reminded of my pregnant-ness- sleeping at night was uncomfortable, my jeans too tight, and Avery was hard to pick up and chase around.  Each time I would hug another pregnant friend or family member, our bellies would press up against each other, theirs full of life, and mine holding death.  Each time I remembered my pregnant-ness, I was reminded that it would be taken from me.  She would be taken from me.  It was not as it seemed.  Yes, my body was telling me I was pregnant, but our reality was different.  Each time I was confronted with my reality, sorrow swept over me like a dark cloud.  The dark cloud invited itself into my day constantly and I worked hard to push it out.  Then I realized that the dark cloud was here to stay for awhile and I had to be ok with that.

I had made a promise to Karis after we found out about her condition and I think I journaled some about it.  I told Karis that no matter what, no matter how hard, I would carry her.  I would carry her in my belly, in my arms, in my heart.  No condition and no sickness could stop us from carrying her, loving her and wanting her to be apart of our family.  I'm currently reading a book my mom gave me called "I Will Carry You."  It's been an incredible book of a family walking a similar road.  It's given me so much comfort and wisdom.  I was thinking about the title the other day and how I had made that promise to Karis.  It's the promise every mom in this situation makes to their child.  It's the tangible thing we can to be their mom.  We can't fix the problem, we can't talk to them, kiss them, or touch them, but we can carry them. 

Even as she has passed, I can still be a mom to her and carry her precious body.  A piece of her was still with me.  Her body was still tucked right into mine, safe, warm, and loved.  Yes, her soul was with Jesus, but I still held her body.  It scared me to think of labor looming in the future.  I didn't want to deliver her.  I wasn't ready to push her out.  I wanted to keep as much of her with me as possible.

I promised you Karis, that I would carry you through sickness or through health.  I would carry you through your life or in your death.  But now I promise to carry you in my heart forever.  You will never be forgotten by your mommy, daddy, sister, family, friends, and other siblings to come.  You are apart of us now, and you always will be.  I will continue to carry your life in my heart always, sweet girl!  We love you so much.

And then the Lord whispered into my heart.  "I will carry you, my sweet daughter, through this."
"I am he, he who will sustain you.  
I have made you, and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:4 

"I Will Carry You" Selah 

http://thewealthofwisdom.com/byjessicadarty/files/2011/09/I-will-carry.jpg              



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