Sunday, May 4, 2014

You Never Fail

Waking up this morning was hard.  I opened my eyes, only to remember that everything that happened Friday was not a dream, it was real life.  We spent a lot of time today just "being," taking it in again in a new light, a new day, but still fully aware of the hurt and pain that was here to stay for awhile.  We decided not to go to church, as we had just informed most everyone through email last night.  It would be too hard to see everyone the next day.  Kory & I took Avery for a walk and processed what God was saying to us.

Yesterday afternoon I had promised two of the senior girls in our ISI group that I would help them get ready for the prom.  I knew that could get out of it and they would understand, but something in me told me I needed to go help them. I was glad I went but the whole time the ugly question of "why me, God" kept rearing it's ugly head.  There are a couple really sweet teenage girls I know that are currently pregnant in our neighborhood and of course you have to wonder why God allows what he does.  They didn't want to get pregnant and they did.  I really want to be pregnant and that might get taken away from me.  I kept thinking, "God, I'm trying to serve you, I'm giving up so much to follow you, why are you letting this happen to me?"  After sharing this with family, I was reminded that this is a normal question to ask when the bottom falls out, and it's ok to feel it...but it's not ok to land there and dwell there.  The reason being because it's the wrong question to ask.  Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble (John 16:33) so why are we surprised when we do?  He promises his perfect peace in the midst of trouble.  It's the wrong question to ask because we are living in a broken, sinful world and we can't be expect to be "unharmed" from the evil in it.  It comforted me to realize that God never intended unhealthy pregnancies.  His way was not to let babies get sick in their mommies bellies. This was a result of the fallen world we are all in.  Could he of spared us from it?  Yes.  But he is in control and I am not.

This led me to my other wrestling point.  If God could of spared me from it and didn't, then how is Romans 8:28 true, "we know in all things, God works for the good of those who love him."  God is for my good.  This situation is not good. I had been struggling with this thought long before today.  It's where I always got hung up in trusting God.  I trust him.  But he allows really bad things to happen to people that love him.  I know that Kory loves me because he would never let anything bad happen to me.  He would save me from hurt at any cost.  I just get stuck there, in my relationship with God.  If he loves me, why does he allow me to suffer?  It was then that God allowed me to keep reading onto verse 29.  "...to be conformed to the image of his son."  As I processed this thought with others the light bulb came on for me.  My definition of "good" was wrong.  I thought "good" meant my safety, my happiness, my well being, my nice little family with a white picket fence and a perfect, wonderful life.  God defines "good" as being conformed to the image of his son.  Wow, those are two very different definitions of "good."  Being conformed to the image of Jesus is intense.  He was sacrificial.  He suffered.  He labored for the kingdom.  He was persecuted.  He was a servant.  He was loving even when he didn't get loved back.  This is what God is trying to do in me.  He is using what we are experiencing to do this work in us and that is good.  Trusting God is about believing he knows better, he is wiser, he is doing something bigger than what I can see, and I rest there.  All of us wrestle with this thought.  We think we know best.  We cling to comfort and safety as if they were our gods.  But they fall short.  Even though our God allows the suffering and pain, he is comfort and peace through it that my brain really can't figure out or comprehend.  That is him "working all things out for my good."  God is for my good.

I remembered back to hearing others who had gone through similar experiences as this, unhealthy pregnancies with unknown futures.  I remembered reading their emails and hearing their updates on their precious children who were diagnosed similarly.  I remember feeling so heavy for them, and thinking to myself "that is something I could never go through, that would break me."  It scared me to think of myself being in that same boat now, on that same path.  They seemed so strong through it.  How did they do that?  Would I have that strength?  What if I didn't?  How would I make it?  How would I walk this road?  I was sharing this with my sweet sister-in-law who shared with me an example of Corrie Ten Boom.  She was a Christian who was brave in helping Jews escape the Nazi Holocuast during WW2.  She was getting ready to leave on a train in a few weeks and her father had her ticket.  She was so nervous she would lose the ticket and then not have it when she needed it.  Her father assured her, "I will give you the ticket right as you board the train.  I will give it to you at the moment you need it."  God was the same way with providing strength.  He would not give me the strength before I needed it, but only right when I needed it.  It all comes back to trusting him.  He will provide for us at the moment we need it.  Not before, not after.  Right when we need it.

As I wrote in my journal just two days prior to this, "Help me to really trust you.  Help me to know what that means and looks like."  He is teaching me to trust, one day at a time.

You Never Fail- Hillsong United (Glorious Ruins)

"Strong through every trial
Faithful through the night
Our God will never fail
Our God will never fail

Anchor through the flood
You keep holding on
I know you never fail
Jesus you never fail"

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