Thursday, May 8, 2014

Today Kory and I went to our appointment with my midwife to check and see if we could hear a heartbeat and have a follow up from the news we heard on Friday.  The midwives I see are the best.  I hadn't met this one yet, but when she walked in the room and closed the door behind her the first words out of her mouth where, "Can I give you a hug?"  I cried in the arms of someone I had just met.  We heard Karis's sweet, strong heartbeat and it was the best thing our ears had heard all week.  Kory video recorded it on his phone so we could save that sound forever.  We sat there for awhile and soaked in that beautiful beat.  Next we talked about our unknown future.  My midwife answered some questions we had and unknowingly opened up a conversation I don't think Kory or I were ready to hear.

She explained that things would be a lot "easier" for us and them if Karis didn't make it full term or be born alive.  Excuse me?  This is my daughter, and your saying it would be easier on us if she passed away?  I was angry.  But then the next 10 minutes of her explaining all the complications we would face turned my anger into fear and confusion.  They would not be able to deliver her if she was alive, we would need to find another doctor.  A lot of choices would be in our court to decide.  Do we have everything medically possibly done to sustain her life?  Do we take her home and allow her to die in peace with us?  There is a chance she would be in a lot of pain if she survived birth, would sustaining her life be drawing out the inevitable and allowing more pain?  Then we talked through the other scenario.  If she passed away inside of me, I may not even know since I'm not feeling a ton of movement.  This would mean I would find out at an appointment like today where they couldn't find a heartbeat.  Then I would have to induce labor, give birth to our lifeless daughter and figure out arrangements of a funeral home, where to bury her, etc.  It was too much to think about.  And why were we thinking about it because she was alive and that's all that mattered today.  Kory & I left, got in the car and were frustrated and overwhelmed.  Our daughter was alive, why were medical professionals so convinced that she wouldn't make it?  They gave no hope.  They acted so sure of what this outcome would be and so matter of fact.  But we knew that our God had the final and only say.  Only he would determine this outcome and he would give the final answer to when Karis's heart would stop beating.  That heart could stop inside of me, an hour of breathing this air, five years from now or fifty years from now; he was the one who would decide.

As we drove to get some lunch, I thought about God's sovereignty.  We had an incredible support system, but no one had any sort of power in this situation.  No one could fix anything and or change anything.  People could simply come alongside us, cry with us, ask questions with us, be hurt with us and pray that God would intervene.  How amazing it was that I personally knew the one who could change it all in an instant.  God holds this all together and I know him and he knows me.  And he loves me.  He knows my thoughts and emotions.  He knows how much I love my sweet Karis Faith.  He knows how scared we are.  And He will decide what will happen and how it will happen.  That is a comforting thought.  Not that he will do what I want him to do, but science is not in control of this situation.  So if God allows something, I can trust that it was supposed to be, there is something bigger going on, because he is in control.


As I'm sitting here in my living room writing this, I hear angry voices yelling and cussing outside my house.  A mom screaming at her teenage son.  The son yelling back. I recognize the voices and I know the situation they are most likely fighting and upset about.  So much pain in this world.  Whether we are crying and overwhelmed in the living room, or cussing in the street, life is hard.  But I can walk through this broken world knowing the God who reigns forever, and he is a friend of mine.  He is in control.  He knows me, and I know him.  Whew, I rest in that truth today.


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