A lot of my friends have asked me how I’m doing this week and this has been my response to all of them. “I’m trying to get back to normal, not feeling normal, knowing that is probably very normal.” I’ve grown a bit cynical towards the word normal. It’s dominated so much of my mind these past few days. What is it about normality that I long and desire it so much? Is it really that good? Before May 2nd, was my life really that normal? It didn’t feel that way. But all of a sudden, the bottom falls out and I’m longing for whatever it was I had before May 2nd that I didn’t know I had.
I’ve found myself having the weirdest thoughts, yet giving myself a ton of grace, that those thoughts are probably somewhat normal for a person to have that just lost someone they loved. Today I panicked when I realized it’s been 1 week since I delivered Karis. Why did I panic? Because I couldn’t believe a week had already gone by. Time was moving too quickly. I wasn’t quite ready to be a week removed from that day. I wanted it to feel closer. Now, what’s really weird to me is May 20th, 2014 will always be one of the hardest, most difficult, most tragic days in all of my life, it was the day I gave birth to my baby that wasn’t breathing. Why on earth would I want to be close to that day and hold it and cherish it and not want to part from it? I don’t know. I guess it’s because it’s all I have of her and I want to hold onto anything I can. I find myself replaying the day, the birth, the way she felt in my belly, feeling pregnant over in my head because I don’t want them to fade off into space and forget what I had of her. As painful as the grief is, I don’t want to be distant from it.
Anyone who has gone through grief knows that there are some days that are really sad. And there are some days that are really happy. I’ve found myself crying hard this week; the kind of cry where you can’t catch your breath. And I’ve found myself laugh and feel happy this week. How can the two of those exist? I’m not sure, but I’ve learned to welcome them both. And I’ve learned that when I’m sad, to let myself be really sad; to feel it and be in it. And I’ve learned that when I’m happy, to be truly happy, to feel happy and embrace happy.
Today after Kory was done with his day of work, and all the meetings he had we decided to do something special as a family. We’ve always wanted to take Avery to Build-a-Bear and get her something special and this was the perfect timing. We took her together and as a family we built a light pink bear and named her Karis Bear. That way every night Avery can sleep with her Karis Bear. And in some non-logical way it will feel a little more like we still have a piece of her with us.
Tonight was happy, and for that I’m not going to over think it, I’m just going to feel happy.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12