Letting Go

This day carried a lot of weight.  It’s the last day that Karis Faith will be within me not trying to come out.  I desperately want to hold on.  I don’t want her to leave me, even though she has already left.  Everything seems so final when she leaves me physically.   I don’t want things to be final.  I rather stay uncomfortably pregnant. 

This form of death has been so strange.  Usually when people die they are not attached to you in this physical way.  They are another body, another human being that you have to walk away from after they have passed.  The only way to “be with” them after they pass is to sit at their side.  This is not the case with Karis.  I carry her everywhere still, even though she has died.  She is literally a part of me.  She is not only apart of my heart and our family, she is apart of my physical self, she is within me.  The only life she knows has been within the bounds of me. 

I remember telling Kory I was scared of what it would be like if she passed inside of me.  I was scared to feel and carry death so close.  I didn’t want to know the feeling of a lifeless baby inside.  And now that it’s here, I don’t want to part with it.  If decay and infection were not possible, I would try to figure out a way to hold her here forever.  That sounds morbid.  If you haven’t walked this path, I’m sure this processing all sounds very weird and strange.  It is.  It is weird and strange to say that I don’t want to part with her dead body.  I want to continue to carry her even though she is still and lifeless.  But I do.  I’m scared to push her out, because that is letting go.  I’m not ready to let go.  Right now her body is safe within me, warm and protected.  I don’t want to push her out and have to walk away from her.  My mind keeps fighting with my heart, telling me that her spirit is in heaven and I know that.  I know that I’m not walking away from her.  I know that just her body is within me right now and that is not her.  But when a body is all you have of your child that is passed you will hold onto that with everything within you. I don’t want to let go. 

"A Reason to Sing" All Sons and Daughters

           

“My soul is in anguish.  How long, O Lord, how long?  Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love…..My eyes grow weak with sorrow…..The Lord has heard my weeping.  The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; The Lord accepts my prayer.”  Psalm 6:3-9

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”  Psalm 9:9-10

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock in whom I take refuge.  He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help.  From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”  Psalm 18:6